Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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