my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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