Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
