My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
