Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
