I cockslap morals
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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