Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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