Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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