she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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