I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
