just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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