i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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