Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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