I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
