honey bunches of taint.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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