My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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