that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
