he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
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Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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