I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
