I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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