the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
