At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
