I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
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It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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