god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.