I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.