i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.