he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
