somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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