i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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