So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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