I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
