I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
