We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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