I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
