Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
