but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
