Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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