You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize