I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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