Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
