he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
