Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
