shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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