i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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