I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
