HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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