like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
