I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
