I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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