If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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