Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
