If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Houston, we have a blender
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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