If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
