I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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