we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
