She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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