saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
