and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
