Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
