and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
