i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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