Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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