right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
